I spent the weekend in New Hampshire visiting my son at summer camp. One of the pastimes in the boys’ cabin, I learned, was an ongoing competition to see who could be the first to commit the entire libretto of Hamilton to memory. Hearing them practice, over and over, gave me my own pastime on the long trip back to New York tonight.
So here, inspired by the lyrics of Lin-Manuel Miranda, and rapped to the tune of “Alexander Hamilton,” is a little ditty to welcome us to convention week: “Hillary and Timothy.”
Take it away, company…
HILLARY AND TIMOTHY
DONALD TRUMP:
How does a crooked, corrupt, corporate sellout, and a
Wellesleyan, dropped in the middle of the deep South
To Arkansas for marriage, power, and work as an attorney
Arrive at Philly after beating up on Bernie?
BARACK OBAMA:
The globe-trotting SecState flew to Russia as a starter
Took a ‘reset button,’ but the work was much harder
Was emailing less smarter from a server in her parlor
Then, at sixty-seven, campaigning like Jimmy Carter
JOHN PODESTA:
And every year while women were bustin’ through glass ceilings
The press told the lady to show us more of her feelings
Aides concocted recipes to make her more appealing
Clinton, Fox News cried, was only expert at concealing
BILL CLINTON:
The Scooby Van came, made a road trip to the plains
Won the nomination, had a running mate to name
I offered my advice: a smart guy, ready-but-not-too-vane
The fella she plucked for fame: a Virginian named Tim Kaine
TRUMP:
I tweeted out my thoughts, I said, man, “ISIS is drooling.”
Pocahontas left at the altar, who’s this girl fooling?
Pence is more prepared, he’ll give them a Hoosier schooling, and
Come January, who’s gonna be ruling?
CLINTON AND KAINE:
Hillary and Timothy
Our names are Hillary and Timothy
Seventy million votes we’ve gotta get
State by state, state by state
CHELSEA CLINTON:
When dad left D.C., my folks came to New York, debt-ridden
Mom won a senate seat, left pop in Chappaqua sittin’
She served the nation, he launched a foundation
COMPANY:
Hill rose to power while Bill sought out donations
CHARLES SCHUMER:
She acted like a freshman, knew her place, downplayed her fame
Huddled quietly with her aides up on Whitehaven Lane
Fought for first responders when the towers came down
They thought it was her time, at last, when two thousand eight came around
TRUMP:
I thought there was nothin’ to the job
But I was less astute
The Apprentice was my chosen route
Owned Miss America; looked great in a suit
Kept taxes to myself; daddy was a landlord
China’s always screwing us; it’s okay to waterboard
Wrote a book with someone else, don’t care to read more
When my net worth is questioned, I get pretty sore
Fred stayed in Queens, but I headed to Manhattan
In New York I could be a new man
COMPANY CLINTON/KAINE:
In sixteen you can elect a woman State by state
In sixteen you can elect a woman State by state
In sixteen you can elect a woman
WOMEN:
In sixteen
MEN:
Sixteen
CLINTON AND KAINE:
State by state
COMPANY: COMPANY:
Hillary and Timothy Hillary and Timothy
You’ve waited years for your turn to come Waited years for your turn to come
You’ve done every job now
And you’ve taken your own sweet time Taken your own sweet time
Oh, Hillary and Timothy Hillary and Timothy
There’s no time left to burn No time left to burn
You might have stayed on the fence Might have stayed on the fence
Fights with Sanders were too tense Fights with Sanders were too tense
Now it’s just you and Trump and Pence Now it’s just you and Trump and Pence
TRUMP: COMPANY:
I’m on the escalator now State by state
See if you can spot me
Descending from the tower,
An orange-haired nominee State by state
Makin’ America Great Again
Takin’ on our enemies
CHARLES SCHUMER/AL FRANKEN
We served with them
JOEL BENENSON:
Me? I poll for them
AMY CHOZICK:
Me? I report on them
BILL CLINTON/ANNIE HOLTON:
We? We married them
TRUMP:
And me? I’m the damn fool who tweeted them
COMPANY:
Seventy million votes they’ve gotta get,
State by state!
TRUMP:
What’s your ticket?
CLINTON/KAINE & COMPANY:
Hillary and Timothy!
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